As I return to my Journey of the Heart Journal after a month-long break, I can hardly believe that it is the first Sunday in Advent. It shouldn't come as a surprise, I've spent the last few weeks preparing for it at work. The image above is one of several slides I created for our new website. Somehow Advent seemed like it was further off on the horizon.
So it is when we wait for something and anticipate it. There have been many holiday seasons when I've put so much pressure on myself to find the perfect gifts, to deck the halls and cook lots of food and treats. When I selected the message to go with the photo, it was a reminder to myself that I can relax and enjoy this season - that what is most important is to recognize the divine within others and to nurture this light within me.
I spent yesterday cleaning out my son's room. For those of you new to my blog and story, my 15 year old went to live with his dad some 1800 miles away this summer. He will be coming out for two weeks to celebrate the Christmas season with me. I dreaded his room, he left it a complete disaster as you can imagine most teenage boys would do. What I dreaded most though would be the reminders of days gone by and sure enough I discovered long lost toys and stuffed animals - each one with a story so tender and bittersweet. I cried and smiled and cried some more as I sorted through the stuff. I talked to myself using gentle words and reminded myself what a great job I am doing. As I cleared his room and washed away the dust, I could feel the room that I was making - the room for something new. I pulled out some board games that I normally find boring but I know that my son loves and I'm excited to play them with him. I collected a couple of old favorite puzzles that I'll have on a table for us to work on throughout the two weeks. As we push the game pieces around the board or find the right spot for each puzzle piece, what I'm looking forward to the most is time to just hang out and BE with my son.
When I look back on a year ago, I had posted to my blog that I was embarking on a new journey - a journey toward health. I had read in Marianne Williamson's book, A Course In Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever
These photos are a good visual that illustrates how I looked before and after losing 50+ pounds. Friends, I had been carrying the burden of so many hurts and disappointments. Although it was emotionally painful to shine a light onto these dark areas in my heart, I can tell you that I feel soooo much better and lighter. I've made peace with so many things from my past and I've let it all go. My emotional lightness has translated into physical lightness.
Before sitting down to the computer today to write this, I started in my journal. I sat next to a collection of shells and other found treasures.
I lit the candle and took a deep relaxing breath. I asked out loud, "What will I share in today's post?" What I've learned from achieving my weight loss, has given me the confidence and skills to navigate new challenges as they arise. I'm in a major life transition - I'm single and the nest is empty. For years I identified myself as a "single mother" first and foremost. All of my decisions were based first on what my son needed. Although I am still a mother and my son is very important to me, my focus has shifted. I'm in that in-between stage - that place between when something ends and when something new begins. I'm in that ambiguous middle where the question, "What's next?" is swirling in my head and around my heart.
I'm taking time to look back on my life at how I've handled change. I can see that I've been one to quickly go from an end to a new beginning and skip over the uncomfortable and often messy middle. I can see how I was a change addict. In the past, I would have acted rather quickly after my son moved away and moved myself, changing jobs. I can see now that I thrived on the change and welcomed the distraction. This time around, I'm feeling less impulsive. Although this change happened suddenly in my life, that doesn't mean I have to take a sudden reaction. I recognize the need to stay put, to honor my feelings of loss, and to give myself the time I need to set course on the next stage of my life.
Change is scary but it is also exciting. I find comfort in this little shell with the word, "smile." I feel the corners of my mouth move up and my heart warms. I take a deep breath. Will you join me and take one now too? Fill up those lungs of yours and let the air flow through. Ahhhhhhhh. Focusing on our breath is a great way to relax.
It is okay that I don't know where I'm heading. I'm still collecting clues and sorting through my options. For now, I'm going to focus on taking care of me. I'm thrilled beyond words about the success I've had in the last year with my weight loss. Now I'm looking to step it up and get active. This couch potato - carbo queen is eager to get moving. A friend of mine wants to also get active so we've decided to train this winter and run a 5k in the spring. Having a goal to work towards helps me to stay focused. When the goal is timed and easily measured, I'm most successful. More than getting toned and running that 5k, my real goal is to add to my healthy lifestyle another dimension of fitness. It will be a challenge for me as I like to sit and think, daydream, read and write, play with my art supplies - but I know that when I get physical, I'll have more energy and vitality to enjoy life even more.
So I'll end this post with a gentle reminder to you that you have this light within you that can never be blown out. It is always lit and it is fueled by love. Nurture this love within and it will heal your relationships with food, loved ones, friends and colleagues, and most importantly with YOU.
The theme for this week's Journey of the Heart Journal page is LIGHT. May you enter this Advent season recognizing the beautiful light within you.
Namaste, Kathryn, Collage Diva
PS - If you are interested in reading more about my weight loss journey check out these blog posts:
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